Mr. De Venecia and members-of-parliament-in-waiting-who-cannot-wait-to-be-MPs, Mr. Lambino et al in the Sigaw ng Malacanang, Bel Cunanan and members of the Fourth and a Half Estate, passengers of the Chacha Choochoo Train, ladies and gentlemen:

Since the dance craze right now is Chacha in the Choochoo Train, I might as well contribute my one centavo suggestions on what changes to the Charter should be made. Sigaw insists that 6 million Filipinos are for Chacha; I am not in that 6 million (but who knows? If the dead can sign, how much more to use some people’s name?), but I am invoking my right to express my opinion. And since I am not under the Executive Order 464 (or its replacement MO whatever), I will not invoke executive privilege and instead air my sentiments in the Internet.

The Sigaw PI calls for a unicameral parliamentary government. I will diverge a bit from that and instead suggest a constitutional monarchy with a bicameral parliament. We all know why Lambino et al are pushing for a unicameral parliament setup: to remove from the masses the power to elect the leader of this country. In short, to prevent an Estrada-like candidate from being elected the leader of this nation.

Lambino et al are being too bastos. I call for magnanimity. If you don’t like them, give them something so that they will do less damage and at the same time will make them happy. And what makes the masa happy? Why, telenovelas and reality shows! The giant TV stations always harp about the ratings of their offerings. Pinoys are fascinated with showbiz celebrities and the private lives of people with good looks. So, Mr. Lambino, please be magnanimous, be humble, and hear out my suggestion.

Let us change the Charter and adopt a constitutional monarchy. The monarch, whether king or emperor or prince or whatever we wish to call him, shall be selected from a pool of candidates, preferably twelve, who are to reside in Big Brother’s House for 100 days. Big Brother (I suggest Willie Revillame as Big Brother) shall nominate housemates for eviction, and the people will vote via SMS, and whoever gets the least votes shall be evicted from the house. The survivor shall reign as monarch of this country for as long as he lives, performing nominal duties that the Charter shall designate.

When the elected monarch dies, the parliament shall select another pool of candidates, and the process stated earlier is repeated. The TV station that shall carry the process shall be rotated amongst TV stations, in spirit of fair play.

I also suggest a bicameral parliament. Hear me out, Mr. Lambino, you will see why I suggest a bicameral parliament. Despite having a monarch, the masses will not be content electing a monarch. They will want more celebrities as leaders, and that’s where the bicameral setup begins. The parliament shall be divided into two houses, the Lowest House and the Nowhere House. The members of the Nowhere House shall be elected by the people for a 5-year term, elected at large, subject to reelection and without term limits. The only qualified people to be elected to the Nowhere House shall be movie stars, TV personalities, singers and dancers, announcers, basketball players, members of the Left and progressive groups, and rejects of reality TV shows. Their only duty is to attend the monarch’s court, pass resolutions granting titles of nobility to members of the Lowest House, assenting to the bills passed by the Lowest House, gives speeches condemning everyone, and other ceremonial duties.

The main legislative function shall be under the Lowest House. Upon ratification of the proposed amendments, the members of the House of Reprehensibles shall be automatically members of the Lowest House. The members shall have 5-year terms, elected by districts, without term limits, and campaign funds subsidized by the state.

The Lowest House shall elect amongst themselves the Prime Minister, who shall be the head of Government. He shall act as such unless removed by reason of death, incapacitation, or by a vote of no-confidence by the members of the Lowest House. The Prime Minister shall select the members of the Cabinet from anywhere, but preference should be given to the members of the Lowest House, members of the local fiefdoms, the local warlords and political lords, jueteng operators, from the middle class allied with the current dispensation, loyal military officers, and loyal business leaders.

I hope, Mr. Lambino, that you see the wisdom in these suggestions. They are win-win suggestions that will surely satisfy you and your like, and at the same time will not disenfranchise the masa. Surely, with everyone satisfied and minding their own business, the country will leapfrog into a prosperous, preposterous nation. And the masa will be happy with the monarch and members of the Nowhere House and make them apathetic enough, leaving us with the running of the government. The middle class should not be disgusted by these suggestions, either.

Ladies and gentlemen, these are my humble suggestions, and I am hoping you will adopt them. Thank you.