So Sorry State of the Nation Address: An Alternative Version

I did not see the so-called State of the Nation Address of Gloria Arroyo. My time was better spent on reading, and besides, bloggers would surely pounce on it. An excellent representative is, as always, MLQ3, in a post here and here. The second post links to other blog entries, so you might want to check it out.

I’d rather post here a SONA that a certain someone might have delivered if he was President (heaven forbid!):

Mr. Vice President, Mr. Senate President, Mr. Speaker of the House, Mr. Chief Justice, members of Congress, Excellencies of the Diplomatic Corp, honored guests:

I will not express my thanks to anybody since I believe all of you are part of the problem of this nation. But I’d rather concentrate on has-beens who are just making noises.

This nation does not want to hear from destabilizers. The people are tired of your shenanigans, and the silent majority will rather move on and work towards progress. You are just noisy has-beens, and this nation will be greatly relieved if you are silenced. Therefore, I am directing the Armed Forces and the Philippine National Police to investigate, prosecute, and jail destabilizers and enemies of the country. For this purpose, I am allocating two billion pesos.

I also call on Congress to pass a bill that will waive the Bill of Rights, specifically those that apply on arrests, so that these destabilizers and noisemakers can be brought to justice. But since the Senate will rather impede progress, I’d rather issue an executive order for this purpose.

I am issuing this warning to the enemies of the State: I will not hesitate in using the full force of the law to crush you. You have long been destabilizing my government, and it is time to end your reign of terror. The silent majority is already exasperated and will only be glad to get rid of you.

I am putting into high priority the change in the form of government, so that the obstructionist Senate will be forever eradicated. This will also empower the true representatives of the people, which are derogatively designated as members of the Lower House. I commend the House for its efficiency in passing laws. The House has passed a total of 100 bills out of 1000000 bills filed, and I congratulate the House leadership for expediting the passage of crucial bills, such as the increase in taxes to fund pork barrel allocations and renaming streets, schools, and airports using names of my family members.

I am also allowing an increase in pork barrel allocations. This is to make the representatives of the people happy. If they are happy, then the people that they represent are happy, too. I will never impede the happiness of the people, who have suffered for a long time from elitists and the so-called civil society.

This government will no longer pursue the automation of our election system, for two reasons. First, there is no allocation for it, since the obstructionist Senate had derailed the budget that this government had submitted. Second, there is nothing wrong with the system, since I won the elections fair and square. The system works, and thus no change is needed.

We are on the fast track to progress, destabilizers notwithstanding. This is all because of the steadfastness of this government, and the apathy of the people. Now, I will outline the steps that this government will take to continue our path towards progress.

For a long time, Imperial Manila have the hegemony over the affairs of the State. It is time for this hegemony to end. I am therefore dividing the country into five fiefdoms, each having more powers and free from the control of Imperial Manila. I will remain as President, and the heads of these fiefdoms will report and will be responsible to me directly.

Also, this government will concentrate on fund-generating projects, such as building bridges that lead to nowhere, roads that are overpriced, fertilizer to highly-urbanized cities, and other such activities.

I will ask Congress to increase the RVAT from 12% to 15%. Together with congressmen, we have planned a lot of projects, and these will need funds. The increase in RVAT will be enough to cover for all the projects. I ask the Filipino to sacrifice once more for the greater good. Afterall, the people will benefit in the long term.

I will not tackle issues regarding education and health, since there are no fundamental problems in these areas.

I have brought home the displace OFWs from Lebanon. But don’t worry, the unemployment rate will not increase, since these OFWs don’t fall on the definition of unemployment. Besides, there are jobs awaiting for them at Libya, Iraq, Iran, and North Korea. The Departments of Labor and Foreign Affairs will see to it that the unemployment rate stays that way.

We will continue to develop our primary export – our citizens as cheap labor. I am ordering the concerned agencies to research on the labor needs of foreign countries, and train our citizens so that we can export them to these countries. I am proud of our OFWs, those who work as caregivers, domestic helpers, and the like.

I am also directing CHED and TESDA to phase out non-performing courses such as liberal arts and law, and instead compel schools to offer in-demand courses, specially those that will cater to call centers and business process outsourcing companies. These companies generate most jobs. We need to fill in these vacancies. We need to be competitive. I want this country to be known as the support capital of the world.

And to my political enemies: pick the fight, and Manny Pacquiao is game to face all of you. But why waste time? I know you cannot afford Manny’s prize purse, so forget it. Why not join me instead? I promise you that your districts/constituencies will benefit.

I have defeated my enemies, which are the enemies of this country. We are now a nation that is prosperous and united. Thank you.

2 thoughts on “So Sorry State of the Nation Address: An Alternative Version

  1. Arbet,

    Nice SONA. That is the true state of our nation. Our leaders, morally bankrupt, an apathetic society due to poverty and the “pretender’s” attckdogs massacre the youth with impunity. A really sad state.

  2. Pingback: Alleba Politics » A So Sorry State of the Nation Address

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