I must admit the past few days has been emotionally bleak. They reminded me of the Dark Years of my life. The signs are all there – irritable, gets frustrated easily, always gets bored, cannot seem to do what one does easily previously, envious of other’s happiness, feels lost, and an unexplainable feeling of loneliness and emptiness.
My life during the years 1997-1999 were documented in three volumes of journals, erratically written, some entries long, some entries short; there were days where pages are blank. Reading the 1997 volume was draining, because my life back then was, according to myself, like water going down the drain. I was very glad when I got out of that episode, but I guess that era has defined who am I now. I don’t like it, but I was lucky I got out alive. Getting on with it was really an option back then; I would not be writing this now if it happened.
There is another issue that I think makes me dysfunctional – I always get feelings of sadness whenever I see friends being happy/getting into a relationship. I guess it is because I am envious. Upon reflection, I got this notion that I’d grow old alone. The Dark Years, after all, began when I started to lose two of who I considered my best friends – one due to my undoing, the other to love. When things fall apart, and failure in college was imminent, that’s how it began. That my life was tragically unravelling and friends became scarce like the proverbial dodo – that brought me to the dark depths of depression. That was the crux of the Dark Years. I dunno how I got out of it, but I feel that this issue remains unresolved; hence the episodes of loneliness. Hence, the feeling of sadness due to others’ happiness.
At one point, I got this realization that if I accept the fact that I’d die alone, these episodes would never recur. As they say, acceptance is the key. I know that for my mental health I should probably accept it, but some part of me refuses to surrender. I don’t know. I feel that this refusal is not healthy.
Some people tell me that I should not feel this way; that my time will come. But I am tired of waiting and exerting effort that just ends up futile. And let’s face it – there are people who got old alone. Also, it runs with the family – I just saw an aunt died unmarried and alone. It is easy – and tempting – to give up.
Do I believe in fate? I don’t know. Because if fate is true, it can be apathetic, cruel, heartless. It seems wrong that someone is born with his future already set, as if that person’s decisions won’t matter. However, there are times when despite your efforts, everything seems futile. This is where I am now.
It is easy to give up. Being a loser brings some bitterness, but what if that is the truth? What if giving up will end all these negative feelings? What if giving up throws away all this baggage that brings me down?
(Written June 2009)