(Fireworks start to dazzle a cheering audience.)
Michael Cole (MC): Listen to that crowd! Welcome, everyone, to Rumble at the Ultra: The Network Wars 2008! We are live here at the Philsports Arena, formerly known as the ULTRA, with 32,345 capacity crowd, and millions of people watching at their homes! This spectacular show is brought to you by Radio Cubao, AWB Holdings, Baratillo@Cubao, and Exiled Productions. My name is Michael Cole, and here with me at ringside, is Arbet Loggins!
Arbet Loggins (AL): Michael, this is just awesome! Ladies and gentlemen, this is the second match in a series to settle that noisy, stupid, annoying ratings war! The two warring networks either put up or shut up, ladies and gentlemen! There’s nothing like a brawl to settle differences, Michael!
MC: I agree, Arbet! Folks, this match is a battle royale. The rules are simple – throw your opponent over the top rope, and the last man standing in the ring wins for his or her network. And for the first time, this is an inter-gender battle royale – you heard it right, folks, men and women of the newsroom of the two networks will slug it out for honor!
AL: You know what, Michael, this match will surely excite someone out there. One of these networks has been relentless against this person, and surely that person will cheer for the other network. And with that person’s penchant to interfere, anything can happen!
MC: You are right about that, Arbet. ABS-CBN better watch its back.
(ABS-CBN’s TV Patrol theme plays on the PA, and spotlights center on the entrance way. ABS-CBN’s station ID video plays on the screen. The ring bell is struck, and Michael Buffer goes into the center of the ring.)
Michael Buffer (MB): Welcome to Rumble at the ULTRA: The Network Wars 2008, the no-holds-barred battle to settle, once and for all, that ratings grudge between ABS-CBN and GMA. The Rumble is the second in a series of matches for the Network Wars. This match, sponsored by Radio Cubao, AWB Holdings, Baratillo.Net, and Exiled Productions, is a battle royale of 30 men and women, to determine who is telling the truth! Let’s get rrrready to ruuuuuuumble!
(Crowd cheers.)
MB: Currently going down the aisle, the anchors and reporters of ABS-CBN’s news and current affairs department – Korina Sanchez, Karen Davila, Ted Failon, Julius Babao, Henry Omaga-Diaz, Anthony Taberna, Tintin Bersola, Bernadette Sembrano, Adrian Ayalin, RG Cruz, Alvin Elchico, Jerry Baja, Ricky Velasco, Israel Malasa, and Alex Santos!
(Crowd cheers, though some boos.)
MC: Arbet, look at that! And oh, there’s Maria Ressa, she manages a menacing team.
AL: Don’t be deceived, Michael, it is not as formidabble as it seems. Some of these guys have issues with each other, so it remains to be seen.
(The ABS-CBN team enters the ring. Korina and Karen are not talking with each other. GMA’s 24 Oras theme plays on the PA, and the GMA team walks along the entranceway.)
MB: And their opponents, representing GMA news and public affairs – Mike Enriquez, Mel Tiangco, Arnold Clavio, Cesar Apolinario, Oscar Oida, Love Añover, Kara David, Nelson Canlas, Raffy Tima, Sandra Aguinaldo, Ralph Guzman, Jun Veneracion, Lei Alviz, Maki Pulido, and Susan Enriquez!
(Some cheers and boos.)
MC: Another powerhouse team, don’t you agree, Arbet?
AL: Yeah, Michael, I cannot dispute that. But this is wrestling, you cannot tell what will happen. And knowing the referees, it is one way or the other.
MB: And tonigh’s referees, staying outside the ring – from ABC 5, Ed Lingao and Patrick Paez; from RPN 9, Aljo Bendijo, and Doris Bigornia.
AL: Whoah, Michael! This is huge! All of the referees were former ABS-CBN employees! This is incredible!
MC: Well, folks, will these referees be as objective, or will past experiences and allegiances affect their rulings? We will have to see till the bell signals the end of the match.
AL: I will have a hard time calling this match. There is just so many combatants, and I only have one multi-tasking brain!
(Ring bell is struck to signal the start match.)
MC: And here we go, folks! Thirty men and women, 15 on each side, each battling to survive and win! BTW, there are two championships to be disputed here – the Best in News championship and the Best Newscaster/Reporter championship. That is interesting, Arbet.
AL: I agree, Michael, everyone is currently thinking two things – to get the team belt, and the individual belt. And heaven knows how brain-wracking can that be.
MC: And speaking of brain wracking, Korina is currently hitting Mel on the head with her elbow. Mel is defenseless, Korina is relentless.
AL: Mel should come to her senses and stage a comeback, otherwise she’ll be peanuts for Korina.
Korina: Kaya mo pa Mel? Mayaman ka na eh, so eto pa para sa yo! (Korina hits another elbow on Mel.)
Mike: (Yelling, rushing towards Korina) Meeeeeeeeel!
MC: Wait, there’s Mike, Mike’s rushing to help Mel. Mike hits Korina with a clothesline, Korina is down! Mike now helps Mel. Oh, look, Ted’s coming, look out Mike! Mike was hit at the back with some axe handles!
Ted: T*do ka, Mike! (Hits Mike.)
AL: That was a stupid thing for Mike to do, this is not the time for such heroics! This is battle royale, you are up against 29 people! And oh, nice knee smash by Ted on Mike. That should hurt.
MC: If that did not hurt, that knee on the stomach will do. The ABS-CBN boys are ganging up on Mike, they are carrying him out, and BAM! He’s out folks, Mike’s the first to be eliminated!
AL: Nice teamwork by ABS-CBN boys, let’s see if the GMA team can regroup. I don’t think an all-ABS-CBN battle royale is exciting, so GMA should get their acts together.
MC: And whoah! Look at that! Arnold and Anthony are slugging it out! It’s a slugfest, Arnold lands a right, Anthony retaliates!
Anthony: Suko na, Arnold! Kulang ka sa ensayo, wag mo na ko pahirapan! (Hits Arnold.)
AL: Arnold is panting, he really needs to whip it out and exercise. Anthony is younger and despite just getting married, he is strong eh? Must be the balut.
MC: Ha ha ha! Anyway, Arnold is finally down, and Anthony’s landing some elbows! More elbow drops! Arnold is helpless! Anthony brings Arnold on the ropes, and a clothesline! Arnold is out! Arnold is out!
AL: It really pays to keep in shape, Michael. So remind me to exercise.
MC: The GMA girls, taking a cue from the ABS-CBN boys, are all hitting Bernadette! And look at Karen and Korina – they are just looking at the carnage! Can you believe that?
Bernadette: Help! Help!
Karen: Hmpt!
Korina: Hmpt!
AL: I can believe that, Michael. That’s showbusiness for you.
MC: But they are in the news department, Arbet.
AL: Same banana, Michael. Aren’t you entertained by their news?
MC: Oh boy, Bernadette’s being whipped up by her former colleagues, while Karen and Korina are watching. They surely are enjoying the carnage. Look, they are carrying Bernadette a la gorilla press, and there she goes!
AL: Finally, ABS-CBN is down by one. Poor Bernadette. Ego trumps teamwork, eh, Michael?
Alex: Yaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
MC: In that case, I agree. Look, Alex Santos is on a rampage! He’s hitting everyone from GMA! Right elbow to Raffy, left hand to Jun, right kick to Maki, and a left knee to Sandra! He sent them all on the ropes. And look, Raffy was clotheslined! He’s out! Raffy’s out! And another clothesline! Babye, Jun! And another clothesline! There goes Maki! Look out, Sandra! Susan pulls out Sandra, and Alex misses! He’s gone over, he’s out!
AL: Alex was awesome! He eliminated three, too bad Susan had the presence of mind to pull Sandra away. Nice one there, Susan.
MC: And speaking of Susan, look at that girl! She’s kicking Karen!
Karen: Aray! Aray!
Susan: Lampa! Eto sa yo! (Kicks Karen more.)
AL: Karen is helpless, Susan is just kicking her as if she’s dead meat!
(Henry rushes to Karen’s aid.)
MC: Henry’s rushing to help Karen, a right hand but wait! Susan blocks the right hand, kicks Henry to the groin! Ouch!
Henry: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Susan: Heh!
AL: That. Should. Definitely. Hurt.
MC: I agree. Susan’s pulling Henry by the hair, and there goes Henry!
AL: Look at that strength, Michael. Incredible.
MC: And she’s not through yet. Now she’s attacking Ricky!
Susan: Mag-exercise ka nga! Yah! (Lands a kick at Ricky.)
MC: Ricky’s hurt, Ricky’s hurt, he is not defending himself, Arbet.
AL: Exercise, Michael, exercise. Now there goes Ricky!
MC: Indeed Arbet! And now she’s attacking RG! But RG’s fighting back!
RG: Maldita ka! (Slaps Susan hard.)
Susan: Aray!
MC: Ooohhhhh!
AL: Ooohhhhh indeed Michael.
MC: RG lands a right on Susan, and a left. Susan kicks RG in the right knee, RG is down. Susan brings RG up, tosses him in the ropes, and Bam! A kick in the face! Susan sets RC on the ropes, and another kick, and there goes RG!
AL: You should never slap a woman, Michael, or suffer the consequence. RG learns that lesson, hard.
Adrian: RG! (Looks at Susan) Nakakarami ka na ah!
Susan: Baket? May angal ka?
MC: Oh look at that! Adrian’s really angry. He’s hitting Susan like there’s no tomorrow. A flurry of punches on the face, Susan’s not retaliating. It seems Susan’s down.
AL: Not now. She’s on a mean streak!
Cesar: Oi! Ako harapin mo!
MC: Cesar’s challenging Adrian. Adrian hits a right, Cesar blocks, Cesar hits a left, Adrian blocks. Adrian kicks Cesar on the knee, and Cesar his the ropes. But wait. Susan’s getting up. Look out Adrian!
Susan: Walang hiya ka! Eto na ko!
MC: Incoming clothesline! Adrian ducks! Susan hits Cesar with a clothesline! That was a hell of a clothesline! Cesar is out! Susan has accidentally eliminated Cesar! And Susan kicks Adrian in the abdominal area, pulls his hair, and throws him over the ropes!
AL: Now I am afraid of Susan, Michael. She’s one mean girl if you ask me.
MC: Alvin and Nelson are at it. Alvin runs to the ropes, rushes to Nelson, and an elbow smash! Nelson is down, but not for long. He hits Alvin with a left, and Alvin careens to the ropes. Nelson follows up with a clothesline, and there goes Alvin. But wait! Alvin holds on to the rope, and Nelson’s down! Both of them are out!
AL: I can see that Michael. I suggest you take a look at Oscar.
MC: And Ted’s simply hitting him with punches, like Oscar’s a punching bag.
AL: Serves him right for being repetitious at live reports.
MC: You are mean, Arbet. Anyway, Ted’s simply manhandling Oscar, and a sleeperhold on Oscar. How long will Oscar endure the hold? Not for long, Oscar is unconscious, Oscar is down on the canvas. Look, Ted’s rolling Oscar, and Oscar’s eliminated.
Ted: Konting praktis pa, bata.
AL: Go, Ted!
MC: And poor Israel! Susan’s sights are clearly on him.
(Crowd chants: Kay Susan Tayo!)
AL: Hear that, Michael? They are calling for Susan Roces!
MC: WHAT!
(Susan Roces walks along the entrance way, and stands at the ring side.)
MC: What the hell is she doing here?
AL: Beats me.
MC: Anyway, Sandra is manhandling Tintin, hits her with several whips, Tintin is on the ropes. Sandra is rushing, clearly a clothesline! What the heck! Susan Roces held the ropes, and both Sandra and Tintin are out!
AL: It seems Susan Roces has a grudge to settle against Sandra. Poor Sandra. May FPJ rest in peace.
Julius: Tintin! Arghhhh!
MC: Uh oh, Julius is on a rampage! He’s hitting everyone, including his co-anchors! A punch there, a kick here. Ralph retaliates, kicks him in the abdomen, sets him up for a suplex, bam! And a belly-to-belly suplex, bam! And Julius is down on the canvas, and Ralph hits a baseball slide, and Julius is eliminated!
AL: Passion can bring a person down, Michael. And Ralph’s showing some technical skills eh? Nice!
MC: Ralph’s too proud of himself, not noticing Jerry at his back. Cobra clutch! Cobra clutch!
AL: A deadly hold, Michael. Poor Ralph.
MC: Ralph is fading, fading. Looks like he’s unconscious. And Jerry throws him away!
AL: Look at Susan, Michael.
MC: OMG! Susan is a warfreak! She is now holding Israel in a Sharpshooter! Israel’s clearly in pain! He’s tapping out!
AL: He cannot tap out, Michael, you know that!
MC: Israel passes out in pain, she rolls him over, Israel’s eliminated.
AL: And while we are all amazed by Susan, Love has just eliminated Jerry. Let’s look at the replay, Michael.
(Replay showing Love hitting a low blow on Jerry, and then tossing him over the ropes.)
MC: In a blink of an eye! I cannot believe it!
AL: This is a battle royale, Michael, anything goes! Better believe it.
MC: Now, Anthony is kicking Love relentlessly. He sets her up for a German suplex. BAM! Anthony’s not releasing the hold! BAM!
Love: Aaray! Ano ba Anthony! Ayoko na!
Anthony: Heh!
MC: Still not releasing the hold, expect another suplex, and whoah! Love’s out!
AL: That’s one mighty trio of German suplexes! This match is exceeding my expectations, Michael! And if you notice, it’s an all-girl team for GMA, Michael.
MC: This does not bode well for GMA, Arbet. Look at that, Susan is again on a rampage, hitting Anthony with Irish whips! He must have a broken rib from those!
AL: Poor Anthony.
MC: Anthony reels in the ropes, Susan uses the opposite ropes for leverage, and SPEAR! SPEAR!
AL: And there goes Anthony.
MC: Susan should be the MVP for the GMA team. How many has she eliminated here? And she’s not resting, she’s now gunning her sights on Korina! Korina reels from a right, and Ouch! What a slap!
Susan: Panget ka!
Korina: Ted! Help!
MC: Ted comes to Korina’s rescue, but Susan holds her ground, blocking all his moves. But look! Korina hits Susan at the back! That’s foul!
AL: How many time will I tell you, Michael? Anything goes. And instead of complaining, where’s Lei.
MC: Lei? wait, where’s Lei? Replay?
(Replay shows Karen simply pushing Lei over the top rope.)
AL: *whistles* That was fast.
MC: Susan and Ted are still at it. Earlier, Susan hit Korina with an Irish whip, and while Korina’s down, Susan’s concentrating on Ted. But Ted is fighting back, punching left and right, pushing Susan to the ropes. Kara’s on Susan’s back, Susan hits Ted, no, she hit Kara in the process, and gone is Kara!
AL: Accidents do happen, Michael. Now it’s 3-on-2 against GMA.
MC: Susan keeps her sights on Ted, hits him left and right. She sets him up for a belly-to-belly suplex…
AL: Don’t do it, Susan!
MC: … and Ted flies to the ground!
Susan: (on the ropes) Belat!
AL: That is foolish of her.
MC: Korina is creeping behind Susan, and she pushes him away! Susan is gone!
AL: What a waste, Michael. She is on a roll, and she should have kept her focus. Pride really is deadly.
MC: And Mel’s on a precarious situation, 2-on-1. I can’t believe this! Karen and Korina, working together! I never thought I’d see the day! Karen and Korina are dealing axe chops on Mel, Mel is helpless. But look! Joey de Leon! Joey de Leon!
(Eat Bulaga theme playing, Joey de Leon walking towards the ring. Crowd chanting, “Bosing, bosing.”)
AL: What is he doing here? He is not from the news department. Call the security, get him out of here.
MC: Karen and Korina back away, aware of Joey’s presence. But wait a minute!
(Wowowee theme hits the arena.)
MC: But Willie’s injured in the previous match! How can he be here?
AL: I have no idea, Michael.
(Crowd boos.)
MC: And he’s here! Willie’s here! He’s on crutches! He’s approaching Joey, and hits Joey with the metal crutch! He’s not really that heavily injured! He searches below the ring, and a sledgehammer!
AL: This gets nasty, Michael.
MC: And bam! They better get security!
(Security gets in, hauls Willie away. An EMT takes Joey away.)
MC: Look at Mel, she’s distracted, get back at the fight, Mel! Korina and Karen hold each other’s hand, and a double clothesline! Mel is eliminated!
AL: Tsk. Eye on the ball, eye on the ball.
MC: And speaking of eyes, look at Karen and Korina. This will be a classic!
AL: Whatever the ending, ABS-CBN is the clear winner here, Michael.
Korina: Well, Karen, sampid ka lang naman eh. (Slaps Karen hard.)
Karen: And so? Palaos ka naman na eh. (Slaps Korina hard.)
MC: And now we have a rumble. Both pulling each other’s hair, Korina hitting Karen in the abdomen with a knee, and Karen lands an elbow on Korina’s back. More elbows at the back, Korina’s on her knees, Korina’s finally down. Karen applies the Boston crab.
AL: A good hold. Korina’s back is still reeling from those nasty elbows.
MC: Karen releases the hold, puts Korina up on the ropes, and a drop kick! Korina is over the rope, she’s out, but no! She got hold of the ropes! That was close.
AL: Yeah, it was. Lucky Korina.
MC: Karen keeps her cool, kicks Korina, drops an elbow. She hits the ropes, and a leg drop on Korina! Karen gets up, and goes over the turnbuckles, and what is she doing?
AL: Hopefully, something not stupid.
MC: And there she goes! A flying elbow drop! Korina cringes in pain! She gets Korina up her feet, and puts her on the top rope. And she’s probably going to do a spear. And she goes towards her, but what’s Mel doing over there! Karen hits Korina with a spear, Korina goes over, and Mel pulls the top rope down, and Karen is out! Who won? Who won?
AL: What is Mel doing here? She should be out of here!
MC: The referees are conferring. Maybe we should look at the reply.
(Replay shows Karen and Korina hitting the floor. Replay inconclusive of who touched the ground first.)
AL: Well, Michael, the referees will have a hard time on this one. It is too close to call.
MC: Indeed, Arbet. Wait, the referees are talking to Michael Buffer.
MB: Ladies and gentlemen: the referees have decided. The winner of the Best News Department championship is ABS-CBN!
(Crowd cheers; some few boos.)
AL: Logical, Michael. Karen and Korina were the last two in the ring, and they were both with ABS-CBN.
MB: And the referees have decided to award the Best Newscaster to (Buffer’s brow raised)… Noli de Castro?
MC and AL: NOLI DE CASTRO???!!!
(The Magandang Gabi, Bayan theme plays, and Noli de Castro enters the ring.)
MC: What the hell happened, Arbet?
AL: Beats me, Michael. This stinks!
MC: Oh well. What an ending.
AL: Yeah, right, Michael. It was a hell of a match, but the ending stinks. I suggest ABS-CBN files a protest.
MC: Anyway, the score is now tied at 1 per network. Clearly, The Network Wars are not yet through. we’d like to thank Radio Cubao, AWB Holdings, Baratillo@Cubao, and Exiled Productions. Join us again for another episode of Blood Feud: The Network Wars. Thanks for joining me, Arbet.
AL: An honor, Michael. Too bad the ending stinks.
MC: And thank you, folks, for watching. See you on the next match! In behalf of Arbet Loggins, this is Michael Cole saying, it ain’t over!
—
Playbill: BLOOD FEUD: THE NETWORK WARS: THINGS GET PERSONAL!!
First Match: Blood Feud — The Network Wars (Episode 1: HIGH NOON AT THE COLISEUM)
